Dracula’s Dental Appointment

Part I Incident Chronology & Escalation

At approximately 9:47 PM on the evening of June 23rd, the suspect arrived for a routine dental appointment at the Nighttime Dental Clinic on Carpathian Avenue. By 10:14 PM, the clinic had been damaged, one staff member was badly shaken, another required minor medical attention, and the suspect had fled into the night by means as yet unexplained. The entire sequence of events lasted seventeen minutes.

Dr. Incisor reported that the suspect initially presented as anxious but cooperative. During the initial examination, however, the suspect became increasingly agitated as the dentist performed routine cavity assessment. At one critical moment, when Dr. Incisor placed the dental mirror inside the patient’s mouth to examine the posterior cavity, the mirror reflected only one thing: the image of Ms. Lotta Plaque, the dental hygienist, standing directly behind the patient. The mirror showed her face, her hands, her position in the room—everything except what the dentist had actually come to examine. Dr. Incisor noted in his statement that “the cavity was so large it appeared to have its own interior geography,” and seemed genuinely uncertain whether the mirror was malfunctioning or if the patient’s mouth simply operated under non-Euclidean principles.

According to Dr. Incisor’s account, the problem began when he accidentally dropped his dental mirror—a common occurrence in any clinical setting—and bent to retrieve it. At this point, the suspect’s behavior underwent an abrupt and alarming transformation.

The dentist then dropped his drill. Then his scaler. Then, according to Dr. Incisor, his confidence. With each dropped instrument, the suspect grew visibly more enraged. By the fourth dropped item (a suction tube), the suspect had begun making what Dr. Incisor described as “sounds that were not words but definitely had strong opinions behind them.” The suspect’s fingers curled into what the dentist identified as a pre-attack posture.

What happened next was, by all accounts, extremely fast. The suspect lunged at the dentist’s face, attempting to bite. Dr. Incisor raised his hands defensively, and while the suspect’s teeth made contact with the dentist’s arms and face, they did not cause deep lacerations. However, the suspect did inflict what Dr. Incisor later described as “aggressive shaving nicks”—small but deliberate abrasions to the jaw and cheek area. At this point, the dentist managed to escape to an adjacent room.

The suspect then turned his attention to Ms. Lotta Plaque, the hygienist, who had attempted to intervene. According to her statement, the suspect advanced toward her with what she described as “very clear intentions to bite.” Ms. Lotta Plaque, demonstrating remarkable presence of mind under duress, reached for the religious medallion hanging beneath her uniform and withdrew a small crucifix that she had been wearing.

The effect was immediate. The suspect recoiled violently, hissed a sound that Ms. Lotta Plaque characterized as “profoundly angry,” and immediately moved toward the window. Rather than using the door—which was, notably, unlocked and easily accessible—the suspect chose to exit through the upper window, shattering the glass as he did so.

Part II Witness Accounts & The Escape

Two patrons at “Café Nocturne,” the outdoor café located directly across from the clinic, reported hearing the commotion at approximately 10:11 PM. Both witnesses reported hearing the sound of breaking glass and what they described as “an absolutely enraged shriek that did not sound human.” When they looked toward the clinic, both independently reported seeing the same phenomenon: a large, dark shape silhouetted against the full moon, moving with extraordinary speed in a manner described variously as “like a bird with a very bad attitude” and “like someone had thrown a cape off a building and the cape had developed opinions.”

Both witnesses confirm the shape was distinctly bat-like in configuration, approximately seven feet in wingspan, and disappeared into the night sky within seconds. One witness noted it was traveling at “an altitude that seemed physically unlikely.” The other said, “It was really going very fast. I’ve never seen a bat move that fast. I didn’t know bats could move that fast. I’m not sure that was a bat.”

Police arrived at the scene at 10:19 PM. By that time, the suspect was not present, and no trail could be established.

Part III Investigative Status & Personnel Challenges

The Transylvania Police Department has classified the suspect as extremely dangerous and wanted for immediate apprehension. We have issued an alert through all standard channels and have prepared a comprehensive case file for officers to review.

At this time, however, the Department must report a significant obstacle to the investigation: no officers have volunteered to pursue the suspect.

This is not a matter of capability or training. Our officers are, on paper, highly qualified. However, when briefed on the particulars of the case—the suspect’s demonstrated strength, the apparent ability to transform into a flying mammal, the demonstrated immunity to conventional de-escalation techniques, the clear efficacy of religious iconography against him, and the fact that he is extremely angry—the department’s available personnel have expressed a strong preference for conducting the investigation by other means.

Officer Dimitri Lupescu stated: “I have a family. I like my face where it is currently located. I have a religious aversion to most things that fly.” Officer Greta Volkova simply said: “No.” Officer Nicolae Tepes asked if there were any other cases requiring immediate attention, and when told there were not, suggested we “maybe just see if he comes back on his own.”

The Department is therefore pursuing alternative investigative approaches, including review of surveillance footage, interviews with additional witnesses, and the filing of this incident report. We remain hopeful that additional information will present itself without requiring direct field contact with the suspect.

Part IV Documented Injuries & Damage

Part V Estimated Damage Assessment

The following costs have been compiled for the incident:

Part VI Status & Warning

Count Dracula remains at large. He is considered extremely dangerous, highly motivated (upset about dental treatment), capable of flight, immune to conventional persuasion, and highly responsive to religious iconography deployed defensively.

Members of the public are advised to remain indoors at night, particularly during full moon phases. If the suspect is sighted, do not approach. Do not attempt de-escalation. The Department recommends having a crucifix readily available, though the Department acknowledges this is an unusual safety recommendation for a modern police bulletin.

Any information regarding the suspect’s whereabouts should be reported immediately to the Transylvania Police Department via the non-emergency line. Police response time to field reports may be considerably longer than usual, as available personnel remain reluctant to engage with the subject.

Addendum: The Department has received exactly zero volunteer applications since this case was opened. Officer Tepes has suggested we simply wait for winter, when “at least he’ll be tired.” This remains under review.