Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children–just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a team meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 4-minute flute solo.”
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate my iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s five and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was three, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage. Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me, or have I only sent one copy?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
Last year, I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press “1” for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
These funnies appeared on the Internet. I’m grateful to my friend Bruce for sending them to me. The comic running squirrel image is courtesy of Shutterstock.
